On parenting opinions

I had a lot of parenting opinions before I actually became a parent.

Here are just a few.

Sleep

Before: The next person to tell me “you’ll never sleep again” gets slapped. I’m going to sleep train, teach self soothing, and move the baby to the nursery at three months. The notion that parents must be chronically sleep-deprived is a ridiculous and unnecessary North American social construct.

After: IS IT SAFE TO SLEEP SITTING UP WITH THE BABY TIED TO MY CHEST SO HE WILL NEVER KNOW FEAR OR LONGING?

Screen time

Before: “Screen time” is such a gross concept. My child won’t watch television or use devices. We’re going to play educational imagination games.

After: WELCOME TO THE WIGGLE HOUSE! TO THE WIGGLE HOUSE! WELCOME TO THE WIGGLE HOUSE TODAY! Look, baby, they’re doing your favourite wiggle song for the fourth time today! DO THE PROPELLOR! DO THE PROPELLOR! DO THE PROPELLOR AROUND AND AROUND! Watch. Watch forever.

Public spaces

Before: Ugh, why do people bring their babies to nice restaurants/pubs/stores/adult spaces? Haven’t they considered that maybe I don’t want to hear their child crying while I sip my mimosa?

After: I’m in public. I did it. I DID IT!!! CUE THE MARCHING BAND prepare my medal BEHOLD MY JAUNTY HIGH KICKS AS I PUSH MY STROLLER INTO YOUR TABLE oops sorry can you move out of the way CAN’T YOU SEE I HAVE A BABY?!

Grooming

Before: I won’t wear mom clothes and look disheveled in public. How much time and effort does it take to get dressed and throw your hair in a cute bun?

After: *sniffs pile of dirty maternity leggings* Ya, these ones have the least puke on them.

Breastfeeding

Before: I hate militant breast feeders. Why does it have to be such a big deal? Just use a cover and find a private space. Be respectful.

After: BOOBS OUT. BOOBS OUT EVERYWHERE. I dare you to look at me. I dare you. OH I SEE YOU GIVING ME SIDE EYE AT BRUNCH. Take it easy, side eye. These aren’t even real boobs. They are just flesh bottles attached to my body. WILL YOU DENY MY BABY HIS FLESH BOTTLES?! I will file a human rights complaint faster than you can say “death of dignity.”

Sense of self

Before: Of course I’ll pursue other interests. I’m more than “just a mom.” I don’t want to become one of those people who only posts photos of their child on social media.

After: Thank god the baby is napping. I think I’ll go…uh…maybe I’ll work on…er…I should catch up on my…um…I have a masters degree and surely there’s more to life than…right. I’m going to go watch him breathe in the dark and delete apps off my phone to make more space for photos.